There are many celebrities who could do with a bit of advice on the dating front.
Tom Hiddleston. Taylor Swift. The entire cast of Made In Chelsea.
But Idris Elba? That would be a bit like counselling Daniel Craig on the appeal of blue Speedos and a comprehensive weight-training program.
Incidentally, I’m not objectifying the hubba hubba actor. Idris did that all by himself when he generously offered a romantic Valentine encounter as a prize at an auction on behalf of WE (Women Everywhere) Can Lead, a charity organisation who strive to empower, inspire and educate girls in Africa.
Last week, he asked a panel of kids to give him advice for the big night out, and they came up with wise and sage guidance, including, “Agree with everything she says” and “Don’t eat beans.”
Good points. But perhaps an older perspective may help.
Idris, I’ll be 50 in May. Apologies, I had to pause there to put my head between my knees until a flash of mid-life crisis passed. Although, I suppose I should be grateful I can still put my head anywhere near my lower limbs without the aid of an orthopaedic surgeon and a pulley.
However, I do believe that with age comes knowledge. Granted, it’s been twenty-five years since I dated and, even then, the courtship ritual extended to two dinners, then a third rendezvous on which my dearly beloved asked me to marry him and I said yes. Patience and cool deliberation were never my strong points.
However, in almost 25 years of togetherness, I’ve learned what makes my perfect romantic evening.
So Idris, listen up. I don’t speak for all women in my age or relationship demographic, but here’s my checklist should you ever wish to woo this middle-aged, knackered, long-married, mother of teenagers.
1. Don’t take me anywhere too posh. Dressing up is one of those things that paralyses me with fear. I’m a chunkster, so inevitably I go for the safe option of long, black and floaty, which – while disguising the lumps – also makes me a face-mask short of the Darth Vadar lookalike prize at a Star Wars tribute night.
2. Ditto, anywhere that we will be forced to make small talk with strangers. My child-free, grown-up social outings invariably coincide with blue moons and the flight schedule of pigs wearing tackety boots, so the last thing I want to deal with is fake conversations with people I’ll never see again.
3. Don’t ask that I drive. I’ve completed approximately 34,560 journeys in Maw’s Taxi over the last 16 years, so I’ll either refuse or suggest we carpool with three sweaty teenagers on their way back from a basketball game.
4. Refrain from posting photos of our tête à tete on social media. This will render me speechless for the whole date because I’m focused on clenching my abs.
5. Finally, come armed with all my favourite romantic gifts. Chocolate. Flowers. Jewelry. Perfume.
And if you envisage us dancing until dawn? You won’t go wrong with an orthopaedic surgeon and a pulley.